Boy Talk

Happy February! This month is short- okay, only by a day, but STILL- and will therefore be rife with romantically-themed posts.

Now, before you go and get your barf bucket, remember that I am Sarah Shunpike: the accomplished (in my own world) sarcastic writer. So, it will be me making fun of anything that is "lovy-dovy"  as they say.

Today's topic is a little more serious, and mostly for girls, although any guy readers I have (if any besides my dad- hi, Dad) can feel free to read on if they are especially brave. Because- insert trumpet sounds here- BOYS ARE THE TOPIC! Hurray!

Okay, everyone, before you continue, put on your best sleepover pajamas, paint your fingernails with the cheap glittery stuff you bought at Claire's, and pull up a couch cushion, because this is serious guy talk. We're gonna be here for a while. Alright, ponytails on? Should I stop stalling now? Great!

So, as a high school girl, I personally don't feel that guys should be an important part of our lives. I mean, to such an extent that we let them be on our brains all the time. I know that's not what any high schooler, or any girl even remotely close to my age, period, wants to hear. But that's what I'm saying.

Take a look at the facts: What are the chances that you will actually marry someone that you knew in high school? Pretty slim, I would say. I mean, as soon as high school's over, yeah, you talk about long distance relationships, but come on. Are you serious? They never. Ever. EVER work. That's one of the few things that Halmark Channel is realistic about. And even if you were one of those people who gets married, like, right out of high school, so what? Here's a News Flash: Teen marriages don't generally last that long. Quel surprise...

Besides all that, as much as I brother-love my guy friends, would you actually want to date anyone at your high school? Think about it. High school boys in general are kind of zitty and gross- well, we're all zitty. Girls are just better at hiding it than boys. But what about the thousands of pounds of red meat they devour in a single sitting? We witness this at lunch everyday. Guys on sports teams automatically start eating like Huns, or something, and they don't even think about all the poor animals they're killing. I'm not a vegetarian by any means, and I draw the line at one small cheeseburger. Or maybe some chicken nuggets.

And speaking of guys on sport teams, what is the deal with that weird thing they do at games where they huddle up and then start some kind of.... tribal chant? If anyone can explain that to me, please do so. Do you ladies really want to date that nonsense?

Not that I have anything against guys. I've totally had my share of crushes, because only ninety percent of me is a well-informed Christian liberal who believes in the Separation of Church and State and thinks that out of all the candidates running for president, Santorum is probably the sanest (oh yeah- a liberal just complemented a republican- there is a God!). The other ten percent- and it's pretty vocal for its size- is just a teenage girl reads all the time, is socially awkward, and deals with ordinary stuff like school and, yes, a strange and involuntary attraction to the opposite sex.

I guess I am sort of bitter though. I've never even been on a date. I don't think I'm any the worse for it, but I think it would be an interesting experience. I never got pretend married in kindergarten because I was too busy being afraid of other people. All through elementary school, nobody ever really "dated." In middle school, people started dating, but then it would have been kind of awkward; I mean, where are you supposed to go in middle school? You're twelve. Your options are pretty much anywhere your mom will drive you. (EVERYTHING is wrong with that sentence!)

And now, in high school, people are always talking about finding their soul mate. Here's what I think: You are a (hypothetical) sixteen-year-old person. You JUST got your driver's license. That doesn't make you an authority on true love. It doesn't even mean you can parallel park.

Another piece of advice to girls, or really anyone with a facebook who isn't married: PLEASE STOP POSTING THINGS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP ON YOUR STATUS! Okay, so saying you went out to Starbucks or something is fine. I can live with that. But saying things like, "I can't live without you!" or "I wish you were with me because I'm dying without you!" or anything with the word "teardrop" in it is kind of over the top. If you really feel that way about a person, you should stop acting like a Tennessee Williams character and go tell them yourself, because nobody on facebook really cares that much, and anybody who does will be a good person and call you in REAL LIFE to let you talk. Or even better, give you the number of a therapist. Either is the sign of a true friend.

All joking aside, ladies, don't let boys control your life. Don't be like Amy and Ricky. In fact, don't be like any of the characters from an ABC Family TV show. If you stick to that philosophy, love God, and drink lots of coffee, I would say that you're good to go.