I'm Scared

Hello, Internet.

This week has been one of the longest weeks of my life, in a very, very good way.

This week, I turned seventeen, which isn't a particularly big deal, as I can neither drive without a licensed adult in the front seat, nor seem to find any work outside of babysitting. Still, if I was a wizard, I'd be an adult, which is cool. My birthday was fun. Having been born on the same day that someone named Guy tried to blow up Parliament a hundred years ago is sort of interesting, and it makes for a good conversation starter. Incidentally, Neil Gaiman's birthday is today. People born in November are always destined to be awesome.

However, this week has also had a couple of downers- for other people, mostly, but for me too. I'm starting to get why people dread their birthdays every year. Even if I don't think I ever will, I understand why some people do. Becoming a year older makes you reflect on the things you've done in the past year, and the things you're going to do in the future. And when you're turning seventeen, the future seems a heck of a lot bigger and scarier and darker than the future did when you were six, or ten, or even thirteen.

Because when you were six, the scariest thing that was going to happen to you was getting your training wheels off your bike, and maybe starting kindergarten. When you were ten, the scariest thing was that your best friend might be moving away, or middle school was looming ahead of you in a year, or two years. When you were thirteen, the scariest things you could imagine were not being cool enough, or getting your phone taken away, or that guy never noticing you, or him actually finding out that you like him.

If you haven't noticed, we're dwelling on things that scare us this week. Because, as much as we'd like to believe it, life isn't all fricasseed frogs and eel pie. Even though it's after Halloween, a few youtubers I'm subscribed to have been talking about what they're most afraid of (links at the end), and I decided I might as well do the same thing, because what else do I have to talk about, right?

Maybe the things that scare us when we're seventeen- like, learning to drive, or ACTs and SATs, or thinking about how in a couple of years you're going to be on your own- will seem dumb in ten years. Maybe five years. Maybe even two or three. But the fact that it might not matter later doesn't make it any less scary now, does it? If you try to explain to a four-year-old that the monster in their closet won't be scary in the morning, they're not going to be relieved and go back to bed. They're going to stay glued to your leg until the sun comes up and shows them actual proof that the monster was just a pile of dirty clothes. It would probably make them even more afraid.

Why?

Because it presents the idea of a risk. What if the monster eats them before it gets to be morning? What if the morning comes, and you were wrong, and it is actually a monster? What if...?

And I think it's only the What Ifs that are scaring us, not the actual things themselves. Like, going to school, for instance. You bring in the kid, and they aren't afraid of the brick building they'll be confined in for the next eight hours, or even necessarily of the teachers and other kids. They're thinking, What if I do something wrong? What if they laugh at me if I do something wrong? What if nobody likes me? And then they make friends and realize how completely wrong they were about the What Ifs.

But just because the What Ifs usually prove to be wrong doesn't mean there isn't a teeny, tiny possibility that maybe one day, one of your What Ifs will come true.

So I'm seventeen, and I'm thinking this:

What if my grades aren't good enough?

What if I don't get into college and I'm stuck here?

What if I do get into college?

What if I screw it up and I'm stuck here?

What if even after going to college I still can't get a descent job?

What if I'm so busy worrying that I'm missing out?

What if nobody cares?

What if the president can't actually fix anything, no matter who he or she is?

What if I don't make it?

What if I end up alone?

What if I end up with someone?

What if I just... end up?

What If...

And you know, there are more. We could do it all day, listing the endless negative outcomes of our next step. But you know what? If every single stinking time we're face with these scary things and we just sit here thinking "What If," we're never actually going to get to find out what is actually going to happen. I'm scared of spiders, but I still walk my dog even though there's a chance I might see a spider when I'm outside. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of the Joker, but that doesn't stop me from watching the Batman movies. Slenderman completely freaks me out, but I don't throw out my laptop and never get on tumblr again. Serial killers and homicidal maniacs could be wandering around, but I still go to the mall and to the movies and to Wal-Mart and the bookstore. Weeping Angels? They send me diving behind my sofa! But I would never miss an episode of Doctor Who just because of some statues that aren't even real (probably...).

There comes a point when you have to take a deep breath and just walk into Mordor. When you have to leave the safety of Hogwarts and face the evil wizard. When you have to realize that the White Witch has your brother, so you might as well fight, because it's no good going back to Finchley now. When you take the Vorpal Sword in hand, and you do some Jabberwocky slaying. When you put on your travelling cloak and take your staff and go on an adventure even though you're abnormally short and not actually a thief and don't even like adventures and there's a dragon involved.

When you just stop What If-ing and go. Because even though it looks big and dark, and even though you're scared, and even though your brain is telling you that this is the part of the horror movie when everyone in the theater is screaming, "DON'T GO IN THERE"... that's all, apparently, supposed to be part of the adventure. And eventually, when it's all over, one day you'll remember how scared you were at the time, and maybe you were right to be scared, and maybe it made you stronger, and maybe both of those things will be true. But you won't be scared anymore.

Link to Scared Video 1, 2, and 3