Sorting Authors

I was browsing Mugglenet articles today, since I haven't checked them out in a while, and I stumbled across something in one of them. Apparently, a magazine sorted various politicians into houses from Harry Potter. (Obama is currently labeled Gryffindor... because that makes sense...) Anyway, I started thinking about it, and I decided it would be really fun to sort my Top Ten favorite authors into houses. And I'm going to make you suffer with me because I'm bored. :P Deal with it.

For anyone who has never attended Hogwarts, or graduated a while ago and need a recap, there are four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each one is named after the four founders of Hogwarts (i.e., Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazer Slytherin- who is, by the way, in no way affiliated with the roofing company).

Gryffindor is considered the best house, because it's for the brave people. It's basically a factory for heroes and sidekicks. Plus, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are Gryffindors, so everybody wants to be in with him.

Then there's Ravenclaw, for super-smart people. You know the type- thick glasses, inhalers, knee socks, know the first nine hundred digits of pi, still play those weird magical creature card games even though they're seventeen years old. I believe the common term is "Proby".

Next is Slytherin. That's the Bad Guy House. Personally, I think they get a bad wrap- I mean, yeah, the Slytherins we see in the books are either prejudiced, twitchy little ferrets like Malfoy, or dunderheads like Crabbe and Goyle. But Hogwarts is big enough that someone somewhere must be a decent Slytherin wizard. That's my theory, anyway.

And finally, the Hufflepuffs. Where to begin here? Anybody who's seen A Very Potter Musical has been trying to answer this question for years: "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" (Mom, I'm quoting, it doesn't count.) And it's true. Nobody knows. They're just... there. To give it an even number, I guess. But that's where everybody else goes, if they aren't bigheaded, socially awkward, or have a sneering problem.

1. J.K. Rowling- She is my favorite author of all time, but I'm not sorting her. She doesn't have a house- no, she doesn't need a house. She created the houses. She is the Sorting Hat. (If you haven't figured out which books she's written by now, seek professional help).

2. Neil Gaiman- Whoa, boy, this is a tough one. Mr. Gaiman is the author of several AWESOME books, such as American Gods (which I'm attempting to get my hands on), Coraline (which was good enough that Tim Burton decided to ruin it), and The Graveyard Book (which I hope nobody ever ruins by making it into a film). Gaiman is brilliant, obviously, but his stories are kind of dark sometimes. Well, I like that, and I like his blunt humor- very dry and British- but it's something you kind of have to be in the mood for. I would say Slytherin, with all the loving fondness in the world, simply because his stories have such Gothic tendencies. Plus, I could totally see him sympathizing with Snape, which puts him solidly in with the green and silver crowd.

3. Jane Austen- Anybody with a Y-chromosome who decided to read this (you're very brave, by the way) probably doesn't know who Ms. Austen was. She wrote books on morals: Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park just to name a few. If that doesn't ring a bell, look up Kierra Knightley's filmography. Anyway, I'd put Austen in Gryffindor. She was pretty brave in the way she poked fun at society in the 19th century, and I'm sure there were those who thought she was far too outspoken for a woman. Plus, she throws in really good twists, and I know how difficult that can be for a writer- you want to shock your audience, but at the same time you don't want them getting too upset the way you violently murdered their favorite characters (not that anyone dies in her books, but you get the idea).

4. Roald Dahl- Oooh, another tough one to place. Roald Dahl is one of my favorite kid authors. His books have a way of teaching kids without them realizing that they learned anything. He wrote books such as Matilda, James and the Giant Peach, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and The Twits. (The first three have been ruined by the film industry, naturally. It happens only to the best of us.) Dahl was a brilliant kid's author, and I re-read his books over and over again. I'd send him to Hufflepuff, simply because there's nowhere else for him to go. He's not a hero or a villain, and he's not unnaturally intelligent either. He writes for kids and makes people laugh. If that's not Hufflepuff-esque, I don't know what is.

5. Hilary McKay- This woman is a wonderful children's author. She is, like most of the people that will be on this list, English, and she wrote a sequel to A Little Princess, as well as The Exiles series and the Casson series (LOVE THEM). Ms. McKay is so creative, and she has a wonderful way of shoving her quirky characters into reality, getting them into crazy situations in which they learn valuable lessons- she's taken them up onto the roof of a school, had them stowaway in beanbags on trips to Italy, and even sent one girl to spend the night at a zoo in search of tigers. I would put her Hufflepuff with Mr. Roald Dahl, and I think they'll both get along very nicely.

6. Lemony Snicket- Just saying Daniel Handler's nom de plume is enough to make you laugh. For those of you who are saying, "Uh, who's this Daniel guy?" did you honestly think that Lemony Snicket was his real name? Anyway, if you live under a rock, Lemony Snicket wrote The Series of Unfortunate Events, a thirteen-book series about Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, three orphans who are heir to a massive fortune. The awful Count Olaf has been trying to get his hands on this fortune ever since their parents died in a horrible fire, and because of this evil man they have virtually no one to turn to. I would put Snicket in Ravenclaw because of all the little hidden clues, and all the subtle references to culture. You have to really pay attention to understand the books- or, to appreciate them, anyway. I like the way he defines words, without all that stupid technical jargon that kids don't understand.

7. Alan Bradley- Mr. Bradley is the author of a mystery series that has recently become very popular. The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag, and A Red Herring Without Mustard are all written about an eleven-year-old amateur chemist named Flavia de Luce in England, 1950, with a certain flair for solving crimes that happen around her neighborhood. I loved every minute of these books, the way Flavia has the intelligence of an adult and the personality of a very indignant, opinionated, put-upon young girl. Bradley goes to Slytherin, mostly for sheer brilliance and cheek, but also because he has a habit of making his young character fantasize about poisoning her evil older sisters, a very Slytherin quality.

8. J.R.R. Tolkien- Gryffindor. No question about it. All you need to do is say the name, and instead of thinking of the old Englishman who was friends with C.S. Lewis, you think of Frodo and Sam's trials with Gollum, Gandalf with his fireworks, Aragorn and Arwen talking to each other in elvish, and Gimley and Legolas counting how many Orks they kill in battle. The amount of detail, the long-standing survival and popularity of the story, and the story's influence, their is no other house that befits Mr. Tolkien better.

9. Christopher Paolini- This is the kid who wrote Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, and Inheritance. If you don't know what those are, then he's the guy who wrote about all those dragons. I like to call it "The Story That the Author Couldn't End". I put Mr. Paolini in Ravenclaw because he started out strong, but he is slowly crashing and burning. Poor guy. Maybe things would have gone better for him if the film industry didn't screw up his first book. Anyway, he's getting kind of annoying in that he can't finish his story. And the books go and go and go, and then they cut off and you're sitting there thinking "I spent a MONTH reading this book, and I have more questions at the end than I did at the beginning." So he goes into Ravenclaw, if nothing else because he is "an insufferable know-it-all."

10. James Howe- Ever heard of the Bunnicula series? No? Not really all that surprising. This is a series of kid's books written by Mr. Howe from the point of view of a dog. His best friend is a cat who is incredibly superstitious and fancies himself a detective. Among other things, the cat believes that the family rabbit is a vampire that sucks the juice out of vegetables. All this was before Stephanie Meyer screwed up the concept of vampires. I think James Howe is incredibly creative, and his allusions to various classic works of literature will probably inspire kids to read more, like me. Because of this, Howe goes to Gryffindor.

*Note: Only one guy on this list is American. There's a reason, people.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

Today, my mom and I went to see a movie called Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. I did not like it, Sam I Am. I did not like it in a box, I did not like it with a fox, I did not like it in a house, I did not like it with a mouse.


SPOILER ALERT: If you actually want to see this movie, go away.

So, the movie follows two story lines. The first one takes place in modern times, and my mom said it wasn't in the book at all. There are these two girls living in Shanghai, named Sophia and Nina. Sophia is actually from Korea, and she's all misunderstood by her step mother, and her father dies part-way through, and she gets depressed and almost gets killed in a car accident. Nina is her "laotong" (I hope I'm spelling that right). That means that they aren't actually related, but they're... uh... Soul Sisters, for lack of a better word. They sign this ancient document when they're seventeen-ish to be forever loyal and faithful and all that jazz. But, of course, they get in a fight and everything goes into a tailspin, and then Sophia has her accident (which is actually in the beginning of the movie).

Then, Nina finds out that Sophia was writing a book about her great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother, Snow Flower, and her laotong, Lily. This is the second storyline, and the movie sort of goes back and forth between the two.

So, Snow Flower and Lily have the same birthday, and they got their feet bound on the same day to. Now, let me explain that. Foot binding was this ancient tradition a bajillion years ago, where moms would have their daughters' feet all tied up with rags, pretty much breaking their feet to make them small. The smaller your feet, the better husband the match maker would give you. Seems borderline sadistic if you ask me, not that anyone bothered to.

Snow Flower and Lily met each other when they were seven. The match maker decided that they should be laotongs, in spite of their difference in class, because they had compatible astrology signs. So they became best friends, yada-yada, blah, blah, let's all skip and hold hands and pick flowers. Then Lily gets married and has to go away. She becomes a sort of noblewoman, and her husband is kind of weird (to me, at least). He goes away to trade, and by now Lily's got three or for kiddos and hasn't seen Snow Flower in ages, because her mother-in-law won't let her.

Well, Lily goes and sees her anyway, and finds out Snow Flower got married. Then there's a typhoid epidemic that wipes out a bunch of people, including Lily's in-laws. She also finds out that Snow Flower's dad ruined the family by becoming a druggie (well... a nineteenth century druggie, anyway). And a bunch of other stuff happens, and then Lily finds out that Snow Flower's husband is abusive and tries to rescue her. (Go, Lily!)

But stupid Snow Flower says she can't leave, it's her duty to stay, and then she... erm, breaks up with Lily, for lack of a better phrase. And Lily is heart broken, and tells her servants to burn all the letters and finds out that Snow Flower has new laotongs now.

Then, a long time passes, and Snow Flower's daughter comes to Lily and begs her to come back because her mom is sick. And Lily's like, "But what about her other laotongs?" and Lotus is like, "Uh, they're just her students. She totally played you."

Turns out, Snow Flower wouldn't leave her husband because she "didn't want to be a burden to Lily". World's Dumbest Reason to NOT Leave an Abusive Husband.

So, Lily goes back, and talks to Snow Flower, who, of course, dies anyway. The End.

Okay, so, after all the self-inflicted drama here, I come to only one conclusion: We, as a human race, are stupid.

I mean, I know that this was hundreds of years ago, and it was therefore a "different time" and it happened in a completely different culture than the one I've grown up in, and all that. I totally get that.

But (here comes the big BUT), come on, man. I mean, seriously? All that, because she didn't want to be a burden? I don't care who you are, where you live, or what time you're from, if somebody offers you a way out of a situation like that, you take it, if nothing else for the safety of your kids. Staying with an abusive husband because you don't want to be dependent on somebody who actually cares about you is like keeping a dog that has rabies because it saved you from drowning when you were six. Noble in theory, stupid in practice.

And, let me just say, if anyone tried to beat me or my friends up the way that pigheaded jerkwad did to Snow Flower, you can bet I would have kicked his sorry butt right into a prison cell. I'd sue 'em for all they're worth.

And I get that Snow Flower couldn't sue him for all he was worth, because they didn't do that back then. Plus, there was that whole Women Are Property thing. But she could have taken Lily up on her offer. Sure, it was considered shameful, but I think that the Pros outweighed the Cons on that one. Just sayin'.

Conclusion: When she didn't take the help, she had nobody to blame but herself.

A Special Note to Mom, Who Will Probably Kick My Butt When She Reads This:

I think we should have waited three hours to watch Winnie the Pooh instead.